It’s 1:45am. I’ve got a lot on my mind. Posting during Epiphany didn’t work out as well as I had intended, so this heartfelt entry might make up for that. Here are my words of pondering, discernment, and soul-searching….
The beautiful and clear weather of early January gave way to gray misty days, much more typical for Seattle in winter. It is winter where my spirit resides…it has been that way for months now. Dead, yet somehow alive on the inside. Something is stirring in me, a deep loneliness…even though I take so much joy in friendship and community, a loneliness has settled into my heart. Tonight I went back and reflected on my experience as a chaplain intern at a local hospital a couple of years ago. Some people have not-so-good group experiences, but mine was one of inner transformation. It has taken a few years, but I am finally finding more wholeness…more growth. I used to be a very guarded person; and although I’m opening up, a part of me wants to run away. I was hurt once and I don’t it to happen again.
In four months I’ll graduate with my master’s. I’ll complete my training as a spiritual director, and enter the post-school world. What’s next? Well, in less than a month some possibilities have arisen for work…none of them would be in Seattle. This means a potential move, perhaps far away from here…here where I’ve called home for over 3 years, here where I have a church community, and where I have people I can call good friends.
In some moments, my love for the city and church touches my heart enough to want to stay. I’m also terrified…scared to leave behind and scared to lose what I have gained. And then, in other moments, I’m ready to go and explore some more. I love my church, and I think they love me. But a small piece of me doubts…and doesn’t want to get hurt again.
Sigh. such is life. There are beginnings an there are endings; there are sweet partings, and painful partings. The only thing I know for sure is that I love God and I am God’s beloved. This love is so deep within me that it overflows in compassion. The growth here is in being able to write this: I love myself. I am beautiful.
And here I rest, now 2am. Earlier today I thought I could end the week happy, but it seems the loneliness has returned for another night.
Below, a poem from Hafiz, that describes where I’m at
Don’t surrender your loneliness so quickly.
let it cut more deep.
Let it ferment and season you
as few human or even divine ingredients can.
Something missing in my heart tonight
has made my eyes so soft
my voice so tender
my need of god