There have been so many thoughts running through my head and emotions welling up in my body in the past week….or two. Thursday morning I woke up depressed and numb. A quote from A. A. Milne’s charachter Eeyore comes to mind: “Good morning, Eeyore,” said Pooh. “Good morning Pooh Bear,” said Eeyore gloomily. “If it is a good morning, which I doubt,” said he. That, is almost exactly what I said to my roommate in the morning. Sheesh.
Lately my mornings have been numb and sullen, and while happiness may come with the daylight, I lie in bed at night anxious, lonely and without much sleep. I nearly missed a colorful sunrise on Thursday, only to briefly wake up from my numbness, I saw something. A small sliver of color. Slumping back on the couch for another ten minutes I asked myself what was going on. What’s going on inside me that is so sullen? I had a choice–to remain in this state, or to go on with life and cross some things (big things) off my to-do list. I chose the latter.
The latter choice was one of life, and a huge step–I finished my resume and sent it out to three places. Now I wait.
But it isn’t easy waiting. I am already busy enough. The intense week of hearing about campus ministry jobs, then updating resume and sending it off has left me tired and drained.
And then there’s reading for school. What am I reading about this week? Hmmm. Dorothee Soelle’s Suffering…in addition, articles about spirituality relating to grief, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and the experience of God in suffering and dying.
Yeah. I’m anxious…about job searching, about leaving Seattle. I’m self-doubting about my ability to be responsible, and doubting…well, when I let my mind wander, everything. It’s really been a battle to tell my mind to shut the hell up and stop being so paranoid. But I have to go on with life.
So here I am. Bouncing hourly between being depressed, OK, happy, anxious, numb, proud…
As Thursday began depressed, it passed into the need to get out. So I ran. I ran a long way. My first idea was to run to wear my body out, to help these loneliness birds fly away and to be so tired at the end of the day, I’d sleep well. It worked. I originally set the plan for 10 miles–but that wasn’t enough. I went for almost 13.5 miles at a good clip, too. Yes, 13.5 miles and I still had energy left.
Now today the anxiety returns. So I’m going to do something else therapeutic. I’m going out with my cameras. However, I wish I had a companion for the day. I’m introverted. But I’m alone for the rest of the day. And it sucks to be alone sometimes, even though I need the time to recharge. I guess today the camera is my friend. I hope to forget about reading the spirituality of suffering. I hope to get lost in the city, strolling and snapping photos to draw my over-active mind away from myself and the hole I’m digging. I hope to find beauty and grasp onto it, see it, and love it.
So here is a public output to my inner spirituality. Spiritual directors are not super-human and are prone to depression all the same. By journeying through my own pain, grief, and depression I hope to be able to be more present with others in their own suffering.