while the waiting continues, i must journey through some rocky terrain. the job i anxiously awaited did not come into my favor. that alone is a disappointment—one that heals quickly—yet there is more that ushers in sadness. a series of events, seemingly falling on top of me in succession has left me confused and disoriented. it is a season of sadness that will pass. this i know. but i wonder, as the psalmist does, “how long, o lord? will you forget me forever?”
how long must i wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? how long will my enemy triumph over me?
i do have selfish, negative thoughts. i fight daily to purge them from my body and mind. this is why i feel the psalmists cries in psalm 13. somehow the genuine sadness and grief, and confusion of relationships has turned in on itself and become distorted.
its not solely concerning myself—someone i hold dear to my heart has been violated. and a friend’s mother has died. i weep for her, i weep for her future, i weep for my friend and his loss, and i hope. i hope for the justice only god can bring. but i wonder, as another friend did recently, where is god sometimes?
and i turn to sufjan stevens to accompany me, as he sings, “o god, where are you now? o lord, say somehow. the devil is hard on my face again. the world is a hundred to one again. would the righteous still remain. would my body stay the same. o god, hold me now. o lord, touch me now. there’s no other man who could save the dead. there’s no other god to place our head…”
the psalm ends with hope. that’s where i end, too.
but i trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. i will sing to the lord, for he has been good to me.
amen. so say we all.