Insomnia and the Holy Vulnerability of Night
Against my better judgment I am sitting outside a coffee shop with a latte at my side. I hadn’t planned on this, but the mood struck me right, and this is afterall Seattle, so I have many options for unplanned coffee stops. There’s something on my mind, well many things actually. Too many and too private to detail here, but what is striking is the hour at which they grip me. And I wish to share this unfolding process of my spiritual life.
When the hour struck midnight, my housemates turned in for the night. As I have written before, I have used this night space to think and reflect. Once more I was compelled to sit in the empty space of the living room to be alone with God. For the next hour I remained deep within myself, at times vigorously writing in my journal as chants danced in my ears. With several deep breaths, I exhaled these concerns, attempting to let them go.
At 1am I lay my head down. With a sudden rush I became aware of the house, its creaks, the hum of the fridge in the kitchen…and then every thought running at me with such intensity, I tossed and turned. Even the careful attention I paid earlier to take care of myself and to let go some of the worries within me did not help me this night.
Heart pounding, I lay awake. Maybe it was the coffee I had after dinner. Or maybe it was the nap I took earlier in the day. I sensed something deeper disturbing my soul that befuddled me to restlessness. “Fine” I muttered, along with a few swear words, and stumbled out of bed to the living room once more. Browsing my bookshelves offered no help, and I looked out the window. “I’m so full of energy, I could run around the block.” It was past 2am. Our house is old and footsteps anywhere might wake those asleep downstairs. Frankly, in that moment I didn’t care.
I put on my running shoes without socks, grabbed my keys and walked out the door without tying my shoes. I bolted out the door and ran a half mile in the clear night air. It was an unusually muggy night in Seattle, albeit a comfortable temperature.
This 2am jaunt around the neighborhood was not out of anguish or desperation. Life is quite good. But my spirit, although so alive, is restless. My soul longs for things that are out of my reach, and that is frustrating.
Late at night I feel strangely holy, and I am often more vulnerable to myself and the inner sanctity of my soul than in the daylight. This sacred space isn’t shared with many earthly souls, and yet I long for that human contact. When will it be my time for that? How long must I remain in this murky place?
All together I had 4 hours of sleep. My body needs more, but when insomnia strikes, what can I do? I am emotionally healthy for the work that gets done these late nights when everyone else is sleeping.
sigh.
